I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize