Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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