I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
