how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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