I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
