Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
