we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
