The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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