Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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