eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
