Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
