Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
