I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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