i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
