Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
