And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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