I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
