seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
