I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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