The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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