Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So. Much. Porn.
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