Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
