Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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