we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
