If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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