1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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