You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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