he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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