My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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