Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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