I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
