i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
