the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
