Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
