The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
