when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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