she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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