There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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