She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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