and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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