I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
