There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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