Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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