I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize