literally had 100 drinks last night.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize