how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
