i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
