Come see our sink grown plant.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
