did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
