Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
