Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
