Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
