Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
