He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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