i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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