He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize