tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize