The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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